B.E.S.T. slave Training

BDSM Lifestyle

An Alternative Intimacy

Part 1:

A problem with the terms BDSM, sado-masochism, Dominance and submission and why I think we should discuss changing our defining words for the BDSM Lifestyle.

Sexual sadism is a real pathological problem that involves sexual aggression for the pleasure of the aggressor. It often leads to serious bodily damage or death to the victim. Sexual Masochism can also, in some cases, be an actual disorder. The classifications of sexual sadism and sexual masochism will and should remain in the DSM in order to have a classification for actual sexual disorders.

We in the BDSM lifestyle know our lifestyle is different, but does the general public see the difference?

Does it make sense to believe the general public will understand the difference between sexual sadism and consensual Sadomasochism?

How does it help to define your lifestyle by constantly using the same terms that are also used to define an actual mental disorder that involves violence?

In addition, when we use the terms sadomasochism, sadism and masochism, we honor both Freud and Krafft-Ebing, who had no concept of a loving and caring lifestyle that is bound by the code of safe, sane, and consensual play.

I read a lifestyle article recently that stated that sadomasochism no longer carried a meaning of violence with it and also stated that sadism and masochism are no longer classified as a disorder. Both statements are wrong. The quickest rebuttal to these statements is by simply looking at the dictionary definition of sadism and how the DSM-IV defines S&M disorders.

Sadism: http://dictionary.reference.com/search?q=sadism

1) The deriving of sexual gratification or the tendency to derive sexual gratification from inflicting pain or emotional abuse on others.
2) The deriving of pleasure, or the tendency to derive pleasure, from cruelty.
3) Extreme cruelty.

The dictionary offers no definition that relates to the consensual BDSM lifestyle. Do you believe the general public sees sadism as only being emotional abuse, cruelty or extreme cruelty?

DSM-IV:

The DSM-IV still classifies Sexual Sadism and Sexual Masochism as disorders if they cause a dysfunction in your life. (see below for details)

The words Dominance and submission are often used in the definition of other actual illnesses and social disorders. For example, school bullies are often described by their dominance and the victims by their submission. This is only one example. Very little research is needed to see how widespread the words are used to describe actual problems. Does the general public know the difference?


I often hear individuals in the lifestyle say that we need to inform the general public more about our lifestyle and project a positive image of BDSM. I am not sure that it is possible to inform the general public about our lifestyle as long as we use words that have duel meanings. The same words are used to define our consensual lifestyle as those used to describe mental illness and acts of violence. How can the general public be expected to make the distinction?


Possible answer:

As discussed above, DR. ROY F. BAUMEISTER, psychologist from Case Western Reserve University, has redefined the BDSM lifestyle by using the words "An Alternative Intimacy" to describe what is currently being called consensual S&M or BDSM.  (see below for details of Baumeister's conclusions)    Does this more correctly define what we do?

I don’t have the answers; this is just food for thought.

References:

American Psychiatric Association's Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders, 4th Edition. (DSM-IV).

The DSM-IV states:

302.83 Sexual Masochism

In order for BDSM to be a disorder BOTH A and B must be present:

       A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving the act (real, not simulated) of being humiliated, beaten, bound or otherwise made to suffer.

       B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.

302.84 Sexual Sadism

In order for BDSM to be a disorder BOTH A and B must be present:

      A. Over a period of at least 6 months, recurrent, intense sexually arousing fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors involving acts (real, not simulated) in which psychological or physical suffering (including humiliation) of the victim is sexually exciting to the person.

      B. The fantasies, sexual urges, or behaviors cause clinically significant distress or impairment in social, occupational, or other important areas of functioning.



DR. ROY F. BAUMEISTER,  "Masochism: An Alternative Intimacy" The Spectator (Vol. 22, No. 14 June 30-July 6, 1989).
 

Part 2:

MASOCHISM: An Alternative Intimacy 
by Roy F. Baumeister, Ph.D.       

How could someone enjoy being tied up and spanked? If you like whips and chains, does that mean you’re crazy? 

     New research findings have changed our understanding of sexual masochism. Up until recently, psychology took a very dim view of S&M. Psychologists thought that masochists were mentally ill, probably dangerous individuals full of guilt. But a completely different picture has emerged in the last decade. 

 
      It is now clear that most masochists live normal, well-adjusted lives. Apart from their sex lives, they are pretty much like anyone else. Masochism is not a sign of being sick or maladjusted. Masochism is certainly unusual, statistically speaking. Strange? Yes, probably. Weird? Maybe. But sick? No. 

        Most theories about masochism derive from Freud’s views. Freud was puzzled by masochism and basically had no idea what it was. He tossed out a few speculations, which others have taken to heart. But his ideas about masochism are probably inaccurate. For example, Freudian-an theories of masochism are always talking about guilt. But none of the recent studies have found much evidence of guilt. Sex guilt, in particular, is absent. Most masochists tend to be sexually liberated. 

        Why, then, do people do it? The appeal of masochism is in its effects on the mind. Masochism is a powerful means of escape--escape from everyday life, from problems and worries, from who you are most of the time. Masochism stops the world. It allows you to live, to feel, to play, and to enjoy in a way that is far removed from the rest of life. 

          Central to this is the effect of masochism on the self. Your identity is basically a concept of who you are. It relates you to the past and future, to other people, to your work and family, and to society at large. Identity brings in all your relationships, your plans and ambitions, your projects and goals, and so on. Masochism knocks all of that out of your mind. In masochism you become first and fore-most a body. The past and future, beyond the immediate scene, vanish from the mind. Your focus is here and now, on sensation. 

         In some cases the escape is carried a step further: The masochist becomes someone new. In the fantasy scene, the masochist may adopt a new role (of slave), develop a new personality, even change from male to female. (It is much rarer for female masochists to become male during their scenes.) When your old, everyday identity is swept away, there is room for a new one to be created in fantasy, to replace it. 

          Consider how this works. The three main features of masochism are pain, bondage or loss of control, and humiliation or embarrassment. 

          Start with the last of the three. Normally, people want to avoid embarrassment or humiliating experiences. People want to have high self esteem--to think well of themselves, to have other people think well of them. People want to be admired, to be successful, to be famous, to be looked up to. Your normal identity is based on a certain amount of respect and dignity. 

          But masochism deliberately strips away respect and dignity. The masochist is unable to maintain the normal identity, because it is incompatible with typical situations. A respectable woman is not sup-posed to lie naked and spread-eagled on a table while well-dressed men look at her. Respectable men are not supposed to wear dog collars and lick someone’s boots. Politicians, for example, have unusually high rates of masochism, probably because politicians are forced by their jobs to maintain such gargantuan egos. Masochism may enable them to stop being their overblown selves for a little while. 

         Second, consider bondage and other forms of losing control. Normally, people seek control. People want power, they want to know what is going to happen to them, they want freedom, they want to have choices and options, and so forth. People want to make up their own minds and run their own lives. The quest for control is one of the most universal psycho-logical principles. A big part of the self is devoted to gaining and keeping control. 

         But masochism erases this aspect of the self. The masochist may submit to being tied up or blindfolded. The masochist is told what to do and what not to do. During a scene, the masochist may not be allowed to have an orgasm or even go to the bathroom without permission. Masochism forces you to be passive, and that blots out a major part of the self. 

          And then there’s pain. How could someone like pain? In fact, it turns out that most masochists don’t really like the pain. The sensation itself is unpleasant--it hurts. But pain has powerful effects on the mind. Pain takes your mind off other things. It focuses attention here and now. You might be worried about meeting a deadline or paying the rent, you might be planning next year’s work or remembering last year’s successes and failures. But when the dominant partner takes the whip to your derriere, those thoughts are likely to vanish. You forget about being a home-owner, a decision-maker, a sales manager, a wife, an engineer. During the whipping, you become just a body. 

         The effect of masochism is often described as liberating. Reading these descriptions, on wonders: How can it be liberating to be put in chains? But the masochist is liberated from his or her own identity. The exhilaration that masochists describe is produced partly by this removal of who you are. All your normal roles, ways of acting, your ideas of who you are, the games you normally play with people--all these abruptly stop. All you are is your body. Or else you can fantasize about becoming someone new. 

          Isn’t this part of sexual enjoyment for anyone? Why would someone need to use whips and chains, since normal sex produces an escape? The answer to this is that normal, straight, “vanilla” sex isn’t always powerful enough to produce the escape. In fact, enjoyment of standard sex sometimes depends on getting your mind off other problems and hassles, but sex alone isn’t enough to bring this about. 

          Consider what happens in sex therapy. Many people go to sex therapists because they aren’t enjoying sex. They don’t get aroused, or they don’t have orgasms, and they want help. Sex therapy tries to find ways of enhancing their sexual response. 

         Sex therapy since Masters and Johnson has been heavily based on getting the person’s mind off of himself, off of worries and problems and distractions, and focused onto immediate sensations. Sex therapists try to get their patients to forget themselves, to shed their egos along with their underwear. For many patients, that’s tough to do. Masochism is a powerful means of achieving the same effect. Masochism forces you to shed your ego and forget yourself, because your actions simply don’t fit your normal identity. 

         That is not to say that sex therapists use S&M to stimulate their patients. But they do a surprising number of things that are similar. Consider some of the following. Sex therapists try to stimulate what they call the “sensate focus”--attending merely to sensations. They are talking about pleasant skin contact, but pain certainly brings about an intense “sensate focus” just as well if not faster. Sex therapists focus on treating the couple together, and masochists too, are heavily oriented toward intimate relationships and partners. Sex therapists create isolation from the everyday world, such as by having the couple stay at a motel and break telephone contact with home and office. Masochists create a scene that is radically cut off from their everyday lives. 

           Some practices of sex therapy have an especially strong resemblance to S&M. Sex therapists will have the person assume a very passive posture. For example, if the man has trouble keeping an erection, they’ll tell the woman to be on top and to take care of inserting the penis into her. Obviously, masochism likewise puts the person in an extremely passive role, including being on the bottom during sex. Another factor is that sex therapists sometimes forbid the couple to have intercourse or orgasm during early stages of therapy, so they can get used to physical playing without the pressure of intercourse. Masochists often desire similar structures of restrictions and permissions. 

         The point of all this is that masochism resembles what sex therapists do to increase sexual response. That may be part of the explanation of the sexual appeal of masochism. People who want a sexual boost may be drawn to it. Probably this includes at least two groups of people. First, those who don’t respond easily may like masochism because it brings their responses up to normal. Second, people whose normal responses are fine but who want really intense experiences may like masochism. For them, it may be a means of producing stronger sexual feelings than they can achieve in more conventional ways. 

         Of course, the attractions of  masochism go beyond the desire for a sexual boost. Seeing masochism as a way of escaping from our identity is a good way to place it in context. Many other activities in modern life blot out the world and the everyday aspects of self. These include alcohol and drug use, meditation, absorbing hobbies and intense sports such as hang gliding or windsurfing. Many people even find that jogging or watching television produces a kind of trance that takes their mind off their concerns. Masochism is just an unusually powerful member of this group of escapist pastimes. 

        Is masochism a form of love or of hate? There has been a lot of debate on this, but both sides are wrong. Masochism has nothing to do with hate. And it is not quite a form of love, although it offers an alternative form of intimacy. 

          Masochism doesn’t necessarily involve love. It is possible to engage in S&M with someone you’re not in love with. Nor does masochism make love redundant: People seem to prefer to do it with people they love. 

            What’s clear, though, is that masochism produces an intense bond of intimacy between two people, even if it’s only temporary. The masochist submerges his or her will, personality even identity, in the dominant partner. The importance of intimacy can be seen in sexual fantasies. Masochistic fantasies are much more likely than other sexual fantasies to involve long-term relationships, stable partners and intimates or lovers. (This conclusion is based on statistical comparison of masochistic versus other sexual fantasies.) Masochists are heavily relationship-oriented. 

           Masochism is thus not the same as love, but it offers an emotional and passionate feeling of closeness that is similar. I think the best way to view masochism is as an alternative intimacy. Masochism can be enjoyed without love, because intimacy is usually rewarding. Or can it be employed within a love relationship, to add a new dimension of relating to your loved one. 

           Although the experts are just beginning to form this new way of understanding masochism, don’t expect society to change quickly. There are a lot of entrenched prejudices, and attitudes change very slowly. Also, masochists haven’t been very forward about seeking tolerance, understanding and acceptance. 

          Probably the best analogy is with homosexuality. For a long time, psychologists regarded homosexuality as a form of mental illness. Partly this was because clinical psychologists only see people who come to them for treatment. If you only see unhappy, neurotic homosexuals, it is easy to conclude that all homosexuals are unhappy and neurotic. It took lots of research findings plus the gay liberation movement to convince people that that view was mistaken. 

           Masochism lags far behind homosexuality in public understanding, let alone tolerance. Clinical psychologists have only seen unhappy, neurotic masochists, so many of them think that all masochists are unhappy and neurotic. Research evidence to the contrary has just started to appear in the last ten years or so. And there is no S&M liberation movement to gain public favor. 

          If you are a masochist, or if someone close to you is, the main thing is not to worry that there’s something wrong with you. There are probably a couple million other Americans with the same desires, and the vast majority of them are healthy and well-adjusted. But don’t expect society at large to make it easy for you. It will take a small miracle for society to revise its prejudices, and miracles take time. 
 

Dr. Roy F. Baumeister is a  professor of psychology at Case Western Reserve University, in Ohio.

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